How to blag University.

Blagging University is not as easy as it sounds. Upon almost finishing my third and final year, I have learnt a lot about the art of blagging, how to avoid salespeople, looking like you're doing something important when you're not, spouting words that sound good when you have no idea what you're talking about, and going to lectures after having hardly any sleep and probably still being a bit drunk.
I'm pretty sure anybody who has been, or currently goes to University knows the feeling.

You will need:
-One very powerful liver.
-An excessive amount of patience.
-A can-do attitude (if you do not have this you will need more patience).
-Skills in lying, personal defence, hypochondria, insomnia amongst others.
-To overcome the hatred of the library that school and college inflicted upon you.
-Knowledge of microwaves and washing machines (or copious amounts of credit on your phone so that you can ring your parents/friends/999 for help).
-A good imagination (for when you're asked any questions at all).


In order to be a good guide on how to get through Uni without failing at life, I will now tell you a few how to's that you will need. Definitely.

1. How to make yourself sound knowledgeable when you don't know what you're talking about.
- Use long words, with complex sentences. (maybe by spending a few minutes wikipedia-ing some awesome sounding words, maybe even something to do with your subject.)
- Go on about it for a few paragraphs. This way everybody gets a little confused and probably won't bother with you again for a while.
There is a downfall to this approach. You may be asked to say it again in simpler terms. If this happens, I have a fail safe:
- Change the subject. You can do this by saying something along the lines of 'As relevant as that is, I think this...' And then hope you get away with it. Or, you could say that it is irrelevant because of something else, then make something up again.

Of course, this is more useful if you have a good imagination. If you don't, I suggest you try to know the answer to the question. or something about the subject.


2. How to eat junk food and not feel guilty.

This one is easy. When you're drunk you don't feel guilty at all.
The other option for the more health-conscious of you is to balance out your meals. Be sure you include lots of fruit and veg so you don't get scurvy and such, and allow yourself a 'treat' of something outrageously delicious and fatty every few weeks.
If you're like me and have a sweet tooth, eat something savoury and a bit more healthy first. You'll feel better. I promise.
Another option is to be ridiculously fastidious and eat healthily all the time. Then you have absolutely no need to feel guilty in the first place.

3. How to get yourself served quickly in a bar/club.
Girls: Lean over the counter a little, preferably with some boob showing if you want to get served by a man. Give them the eye too. And smile. Don't forget to smile.
This doesn't work on other girls, gay men or straight men that prefer flat chested females, they will just think you're a hussy and won't serve you.
With other girls, gay men or straight men who prefer flat chested girls, just wait there and smile when they come your way.


Guys: Acquire an air of not caring whether you get served. This way you might start to believe it.
To be quite honest I'm not sure there's a way to get yourself served quicker than usual, unless you've got some rippling muscles tucked away under a tight shirt. As usual, this won't often work on straight men, or on women or gay men who prefer men who aren't ripped. If you aren't that muscular, you're in with more of a chance with them.


4. How to get rid of stress.Stressed? I'm not surprised. Well, to be honest i can't help you. Just calm the hell down and don't give yourself a hernia. But, I will give you some useful websites. I'm not all bad.
DeStress - a website for all your stress-free needs.
Unconventional (ie. Weird) ways to de-stress. 
Keep Calm Gallery.
Get a Reality Check - Seriously, the universe is huge, and you're worrying about one tiny exam?

And there you have it. A not so useful guide to blagging University.
You will get through it, I promise.
But if you can't you can always drop out.
(Just don't forget you'll owe the government some money.)

Being Examined Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

And as if the first week properly back from uni isn't enough to make you squirm in your seat, there's always the added dilemma of exams to revise for and presentations to prepare.

This is what this week is all about, and it's only Tuesday.

Yesterday the first essay of this side of the year was due in. This essay was the complete and utter death of me. How do you write 3000 words on how the police have become politicised specifically by the modern dilemmas of public order policing?  Such a stupid question. But I'd picked it, and there was no turning back.

Today was exam number one of 2011. Train Wreck are the most favourable two words I can think of.
That and Apocalypse-esque Catastrophe. It may be dramatic, but I don't feel especially confident.
Then again I've found that whenever you do feel confident you usually haven't done as well as you hope you have.

So the week or terror is upon me.

I am being a little over dramatic, I'll admit.
But what's the fun in being boring.. How would 'the week of a couple of  presentations, an exam, and an essay and then its over' grab you? It wouldn't. Plus that doesn't sound too bad either. But it really really is.

I can never understand the people who don't get nervous about exams, essays or presentations. They 've got to be either ridiculously confident about their abilities or completely unable to feel anything remotely like worry.
My friend was one of these. He said that he never got nervous because he didn't care. I bet he did care though. When he got good marks he sure cared..
Yes.. anyway, yeah, I don't get it. Surely everyone gets a bit funny about these things. Maybe only a little bit, or maybe so much its a phobia. But I'm sure we do.

Personally, the most nervous I get is in presentations. On the outside I try to look as comfortable and confident as I possibly can but on the inside my insides have turned to jelly, my brain to mush and my heart is hammering like a ... a really fast drum. That will do.  I do manage it though. Far better than I used to. (Although I owe that at least in part to the hypnotherapy I've been getting, it seems to have worked for me).

You know some people are really stressed most of the time? I don't think I could do that. I'm stressed now and it's making me ill. Seriously. I couldn't eat much today. Which is exceptionally weird because i utterly love my food. Whatever form its in. Love it. But today I tried to eat a butterscotch pudding and just felt sick. Horrible.

On the up side, after this week its seminars and lectures as usual and the possibility of Mondays and Fridays off. :D