Cats are Pure Evil.

I hate Cats.

It's true. They are the incarnation of pure evil. They loiter in alleyways, trying to size you up, licking their lips and claws, ready to pounce.
They leap at you, trying to shred you to death with their knife-like claws, and purposefully cause you bad luck by walking in front of you. (And it IS purposeful, mark my words).

Cats also hate us. They do. You can see it in their eyes. They think we're pathetic- this is why we must banish them from our houses.

Their only use is to eradicate vermin smaller than themselves, that's is when they're not lounging around, stealing our rays of sun and eating our food.

The one exception in the cat world happens to be an animated cat, voiced by Antonio Banderas. He is also exceedingly annoying, but nevertheless Puss in Boots in the Shrek films is the only cat that I like. This is probably because he is animated, and therefore not real. It is also probably because he has a Spanish accent, which is always nice. And then there's the cute face. Nobody could resist that face.
The fact is, real cats do not have that face. If they did, they wouldn't use it either. This is because they don't care.

Then there's Cat Man. But he cannot be classified as a cat, because he is really a human. So we like him, as he's pretty awesome.

Ancient Egyptians have a lot to answer for really. They loved cats, worshiped them and so on. Frankly, it's weird. Although, Cats are mysteriously regal, so I can see what they were enamored by. (Which would also explain why they always seem to be looking down their noses at us.)

Please join me in disliking Cats. I would deeply appreciate it.

Jog on, Kitties.

The Dangers of Walking.

I'm sure many of you have walked at some point. Or ran. Or jogged. Or crawled.
All of which come with their very own unique sets of dangers.

I have done my fair share of walking, which is despicable after the first 15 minutes. Especially in hot weather.
So I'm going to tell you my top walking dangers.
And then give you tips on how to avoid these dangers.

1. Dehydration and getting out of breath. Dangerous rating: 9/10. Why? Because you may die/ feel like dying. Avoiding this is simple, drinking (preferably water, but alcohol makes it less painful) and stopping for a rest.

2. Low hanging branches. These are a very real danger, even for short people. Trust me, I'm short and a branch HAS whacked me in the head. Easily avoided by actually looking where you're going and ducking.

3. Slipping. Wet and snowy/icy weather is a pain in the ass because of this. Who hasn't fallen over in the snow? Avoided by taking careful steps and not leaving banana skins lying around.

4. Falling over/ making a fool of oneself. This can lead to very serious injuries. I mean it. Broken arms galore. So basically, try not to trip over yourself. This has also happened to me.

Man Falling- Wikipedia

5. Hidden rocks and/or invisible dangers. These are complete asses. Absolutely no way to avoid these, except for noting the glint on the glass door before you walk into it.


6. Other overhead catastrophes (ie. Birds and other falling objects). Can't really be avoided unless you look up or hear it coming.

7. Mid-section dangers (ie. Elbows (although for the small this is a head danger and for the tall this is a crotch or rib danger) and also bushes). Mid section dangers basically only make you look like an idiot. Anyone can avoid a bush. So look where you're going.

8. Other obstacles.  Anything. Most of which can be avoided. Some examples are: traffic cones, cars, bikes, signs, trees, statues, people, lampposts, demonic fairies, building sites etc.


To finish off I would also like to warn you of the dangers of walking in all weather. As I've already stated, rain and snow is bad. And also the sun, especially when sticking to the tarmac when stood in one spot in the boiling sun for too long.

Also, large hailstones.

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This one was for you Ed. :D

And here's some random links, because I can:
The Benefits and Dangers of Walking - yes, it's a real one.
Wikipedia's Walking page. Very informative.
Weather page on Wikipedia.
REAL Massive Hailstones.
Hail (hailstones) on wikipedia - you know, if you wanted to know how they're made and stuff.

How to avoid Salespeople.

(If you want the tips.. go to the bottom of this post)
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I've always found being stopped in the street annoying, and when it's by a person trying to sell me something, I just get that little bit more tetchy.
I don't care who you are, or what you want me to buy, I really don't want to talk to you on a cold, wet, windy day when I'm about to get something to eat because I didn't have anything for breakfast.

Starvation wins over your sales tactics.

Plus I hate questions like: 'What is your daily skincare routine?' because truth be told, I just wash it and go, with a possibility of some moisturiser. (Seriously, that whole cleanse, tone , moisturise thing.. Doesn't need to be done. My skins perfectly fine.)

The ones that go door to door are probably the worst. When you've opened that door, that's it. They're there to stay. And if you let them in, you're in for it - they'll unleash their endless sales chatter upon you. Try every trick in the book.
But be resilient! Because you don't honestly want to fill your home with tonnes of crap you don't need right? You've probably already done enough of that, at least, I know I have.
Unless of course, you quite want what they've got to offer. (If you know what I mean..)

Generally, I'm not much of a fan of salespeople. If you're going to try selling something at least try to persuade me slightly covertly.
As much as you possibly can, just try to be subtle.
I know I'm a little hypocritical, as I have tried selling people things before (my glorious career as a hand-painted rock salesperson when I was a young girl of (around) 7, and more recently in a local Charity Shop), but at least I tried not to annoy people.
But some salespeople completely force themselves upon you. They won't let you say no.
And those are the ones I just want to slap.

So what I quite enjoy doing is bantering. Although saving it for the ones where you can probably get away with it.
Because A) It leaves you with a smile on your face (and no slapping is involved)
and B) You feel as though you've beaten them at their own game.
And all you need to do is think up some odd/witty/quickfire answers to their questions.
Or just ask them their own questions.
But that's reserved for someone who really really deserves it.

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I did promise some tips on
How to avoid Salespeople, so here you go:

• In the street: Look down, or pretend you're doing something. Walk as far away as possible.
  (If this fails, stare at them. It'll scare them off)
• In the street: Get out your mobile phone/start talking to a friend
• On the telephone: Tell them you've got bad signal, or just put the phone down.
• On the doorstep: Pretend you're not in
• You've opened the door: Get someone to call or pretend you're foreign.
• In a shop: Be very interested in something a few aisles away.
• ALL salespeople: Avoid like the plague.

Fairy Tales: They used to be pretty Grimm.

Upon watching The Brothers Grimm (Which is a must by the way, it is rather brilliant, and takes pieces of inspiration from everywhere) I decided to write about Fairy Tales.

Fairy tales are odd things really. They were folk tales made up to scare people, cause superstition and to provide some sort of twisted form of moral reasoning.

So what moral exactly did they provide? For a start, lets dwell on the infamous Snow White. All I'm getting here is that you shouldn't trust kindly old women, because they just might turn out to be your evil stepmother hell-bent on killing you.
And Little Red Riding Hood? Carry an axe around with you, just in case.

Not really the kind of thing you want to teach children is it? (Although perhaps being on the defensive isn't such a bad idea. There are wolves and witches out there you know.)

Really, the traditional morals are usually something along the lines of: 'love conquers all', 'be wary', 'don't talk to strangers', 'good always triumphs over evil, 'the grass is always greener on the other side'(Billy Goats Gruff guys) and such. But to be honest I think they're mostly explaining why you shouldn't be as plain idiotic as the heroes/heroines in these stories.

Now, as I've said, the heroes and heroines in the stories are pretty stupid. But that's pretty much nothing compared to the antagonists. Clumsy 'bloodthirsty' giants, trolls under bridges, witches living in gingerbread houses, evil beauty queens, frankly ridiculous bears and wolves and not to mention the scariest of all: an ugly little all singing, all dancing man who makes people guess his name. Oh, the horror.
Although saying this, folk tales have had some very good villains. Vampires (NOT the sparkly kind), Werewolves (Not the dog kind), Dragons and truly awesome Sorcerers are some good examples.

But fairytale land wasn't always this way. All the cutesy-ness can pretty much come down to one infinitely famous company. (And others who try making it more.. child-friendly). Of course I'm talking about Disney.
As much as the Disney movies are old classics, in my opinion the more scary and, yes, gory older versions are better. It exposes more in the characters. Cinderellas sisters were so selfish and wanted the Prince so much that they would cut off their own heel and toe just to fit into a shoe? That says something.
Lets not forget how much the real Little Mermaid had to give up. Every step she took out of the ocean was like knives being stabbed into her feet. Not only that but she didn't get the Prince in the end. She died. Ouch.
See what I mean? The morals are more... pertinent.

If you are like me, and much prefer these kinds of stories, or fairy tales rewritten, then I have a few books for you:

1. Anything by Gregory Maguire.
-Try Mirror, Mirror (For Snow White).(Click Here for a Review.)
-Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister (For Cinderella).(Click Here for a Review.)
-Or for something different, and not actually a fairytale Try Wicked (For The Wizard of Oz, also made into a theatre production). (Click Here for a Review.)
2. Neil Gaimans' Stardust (Also made into a film) is also a reworking, but of the whole fairytale genre. I rather love this book.(Click Here for a Review.)
3. Lets not forget that Shrek has a whole rather funny ensemble of fairy tale and storybook creatures.

One thing I must mention, is the utter awfulness of the Princes in these stories. They're charming, heroic and supposedly gorgeous. Can you imagine how vain they must be? And probably with very little capacity for staying still and listening. Although the adventures may be exciting, I have a feeling the conversation wouldn't be.

To end, I'll give you a moral of this here blog:
If you want a fairy tale with substance, do it yourself. (And don't trust odd little men who offer you favours.)